Effective communication is key when addressing an issue with a loved one, especially when emotions are high. Two techniques that can help you maintain clarity and fairness in your conversations are DEARMAN and FAST. These tools can guide you in expressing yourself honestly while maintaining respect for your loved one. Let’s break them down:

What is DEARMAN?

DEARMAN is a structured communication technique that helps you assert your needs while maintaining a healthy relationship. Here’s how you can use it:

1. Describe the current situation with facts:

Start by clearly describing the issue without exaggerating or assuming intent. Stick to observable facts.

Example: “I noticed that for the past week, you’ve been coming home late without letting me know.”

2. Express your feelings and opinions:

Share how the situation makes you feel, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.

Example: “I feel anxious when I don’t know what’s happening.”

3. Assert what you need:

Be clear and direct about what you’re asking for. State your needs without being vague.

Example: “I need you to let me know when you’ll be late so I won’t worry.”

4. Reinforce the positive and negative consequences:

Explain the benefits of addressing the issue or the possible outcomes if it’s ignored.

Example: “If you can give me a heads-up, I’ll feel more relaxed, and we can avoid misunderstandings.”

5. Mindful focus on your goal:

Stay focused on the outcome you want, avoiding distractions or emotional sidetracking.

Example: “I want us to keep good communication between us, even when schedules get hectic.”

6. Appear confident:

Maintain a calm, assertive demeanor. Confidence can strengthen your message and show that you believe in your request.

Example: Use a steady tone of voice and steady eye contact to reflect your confidence.

7. Negotiate a compromise:

Be open to finding a middle ground. If the other person has concerns or limitations, suggest a solution that works for both of you.

Example: “If texting isn’t convenient, could we agree on a different way to check in when plans change?”

FAST: Staying True to Yourself and Others

FAST complements DEARMAN by focusing on balancing fairness, honesty, and respect for both parties in a conversation. Here’s how to incorporate FAIR into your communication:

1. Fair to yourself and others:

Ensure that your request is reasonable and considers the other person’s needs. Avoid making demands that could harm the relationship or overextend yourself.

Example: “I understand you have a busy schedule, so I’m asking for a small courtesy, not a major change.”

2. Apologetic, don’t apologize:

While it’s important to be considerate, avoid apologizing for asserting your needs. You can be empathetic without diminishing your request.

Example: “I know this may be a lot to ask, but it’s important for me.”

3. Stick to your values:

Make sure that your requests align with your core values, and don’t compromise on things that matter to you.

Example: “For me, good communication is key to a healthy relationship.”

4. Truthful:

Always speak your truth, even if it feels uncomfortable. It’s better to be honest and transparent than to withhold how you really feel.

Example: “I don’t want to seem controlling, but when I don’t hear from you, I feel left out.”

Putting It All Together

Let’s take a quick example of how to combine DEARMAN and FAIR in a real-life conversation:

You: “I noticed that for the past week, you’ve been coming home late without letting me know (Describe). I feel anxious when I don’t know what’s happening (Express). I need you to let me know when you’ll be late so I won’t worry (Assert). If you can give me a heads-up, I’ll feel more relaxed, and we can avoid misunderstandings (Reinforce). I want us to keep good communication between us, even when schedules get hectic (Mindful). I appreciate how hard you’ve been working, but this would help me feel more connected (Appear confident). If texting isn’t convenient, could we agree on a different way to check in when plans change (Negotiate)?”

By using both DEARMAN and FAIR, you can approach tough conversations with loved ones in a way that is clear, respectful, and productive. You’re not only asserting your needs but also ensuring that the other person feels valued and respected. This balance helps strengthen relationships and fosters healthier communication.

Thanks for reading!